Perhaps what Hollywood has done is not a good thing in creating perfect people for us to pattern ourselves after…
The First and Second Deaths
No, I am not talking about the book of The Revelations this time, just regular life and the situations it brings, which actually are sometimes like death. As usual, I’ll start with myself.
Even though I wrote the book Broken Heart (which was about my fourth or fifth death) I can honestly say that now I am in a much better place than where I was then, but I AM still evolving.
Today a situation occurred where my response was slightly over the top and sprinkled with a hint of malice and lack of sympathy. I also posted something on a Facebook page of mine that I am sure had to hurt some people, but the post does not affect me. It does not affect me because I just don’t have strong feelings in that area….but, that in itself bothers me because I am pretty sure that I should.
When I was younger, I had a father in the home, but he wasn’t that great of a dad in my opinion. He has apologized for that, however it is too late now. If anybody in the family reads this, I do not intend for this post to hurt you — I’m just trying to help someone else.
He provided for us as best he could and he stayed in the home, but there was a lack of affection so now as he goes through various illnesses in his old age, I don’t really care like most daughters would, even though many of his not so good qualities were due to the plight of being a black man in America. I mean how can a man be treated like shit all day and come home all hunky dory? I know my feelings seem harsh, but as a Pisces child, I so longed for the love of a father that something in me died when I did not get that love and that place in my heart turned to stone.
The Consequences of Death While Still Alive
Following that, in my quest for love, I sought affection from male love interests and did not make the best choices in my desperation. As a result I suffered and never knew a man’s love because the ones I chose had no clue about how to give it. Consequently, I realized too late that something had gone horribly wrong…..or maybe it went right, depending on how you look at it.
The things that hurt us most will definitely change us and we’ll eventually stop hurting if we allow ourselves to go through these things. If you were sexually or physically abused as a child, treated harshly by a spouse, bullied as a youngster, ridiculed for your sexual orientation, made fun of due to your religious beliefs, or experienced anything that left you feeling destroyed, you may have risen from that situation realizing you had changed or hardened in some way.
That change is okay and actually is normal because we all must go through various metamorphoses to get to our end result, I mean who eats vanilla ice cream and birthday cake batter? The batter must go through the change of becoming a cake!
I have good news for you — it’s okay that you are not the 1970s Hollywood dad or mom, but you do have a responsibility to file down the jagged edges of the newly quarried jewel that you still refer to as your heart. If as a result of the experiences you endured you are depressed, angry, bitter, evil, etc., please fix this. The same way you were broken, you need to develop a plan to be put back together again, perhaps differently, but in such a way that you can still positively impact others and like the feelings that it brings.
What Can I Do to Fix My Twisted Heart?
I am not a psychologist, but I will say that in addition to getting therapy from someone who is licensed to provide it, the following may help:
- Hang around people who do not have the same issues as you. You can help each other and they can teach you to see things in a better light (from their healthier point of view) and ‘lend’ you some of their heart in the area where yours was stolen.
- Carefully select the media that you feed into your senses, because it should be wealthy as opposed to poor — and by wealthy I mean, nothing missing, nothing lacking and nothing broken. Too much gangsta rap, porn, gushing blood and gore films, etc., can cause callousness of the heart and indifference. It’s okay to watch this type stuff every once in a while, but do all things in moderation and balance.
- Make a decision to love and practice it by putting yourself in a place where you can see and feel how the love you provide nurtures and is needed and appreciated. You need to reap its rewards early for positive reinforcements in order that you can re-learn to dwell in it.
I wrote the song below when I finally experienced true care from someone, who helped to rebuild my brokenness. Hopefully it will help you to.
Song: “Everything’s Alright Now” by Colette Renee with music by smoothbeatsonly.com
If you’d like to download this song, you may do so here: Colette Renee on Google play