Let’s say you are Queen Vashti. Your king has been drunk for over three months. Now he wants you to come stand before him and his guests to parade in front of them and show off. You refuse. And you lose your crown. If you put yourself in Vashti’s position, you have to wonder — why would Esther have even wanted it?
Yet mainstream Judaism and Christian thought lift Esther up. They honor the women who turned their backs on Vashti and prepared themselves to compete for this… man. Instead of standing with Vashti, women competed for her spot. But why?
For a very long time, women have been expected to default to a man’s wishes. To raise the children. To be the emotional anchor. To take care of everyone else until the caregiving takes everything out of them. But every woman has to stop and ask herself: How much of yourself should you give away? How do you put yourself first? How do you hold your ground? How do you reclaim what it really means to be a woman?
They Had to Make You Small to Make Themselves Great
Lilitu was an ancient Mesopotamian goddess. She is the figure from which the myth of Lilith was later shaped. She represented wild winds and open, untamed spaces. But female goddesses throughout history were rarely allowed to be powerful and respected at the same time. They were painted as jealous, vengeful, sneaky, and dangerously lustful. They were turned into siren-like, Jezebel-type creatures — enemies of love, marriage, and children. Women to be feared, not followed.
But why?
Because that is what you do to someone you want to defeat. You have to make them look like the villain. If a man wants to be seen as the greatest leader among humans — second only to God — then God must be imagined as a man, and women must be cast as something dangerous. The demonizing was never about who women actually were. It was about who men needed women to be in order to justify their own place at the top.
That story has been told so long, and taught so deeply, that many women still carry it inside them today. It shows up in beliefs like these:
- A woman must love and honor her husband — because someone else is waiting to take him, if they haven’t already.
- Any desire a woman has to push back against male authority means something is wrong with her.
- A woman who puts herself first is selfish, evil, or insane.
- There is no limit to what a woman should give.
But I beg to differ.
There Are Limits. Full Stop.
It is not necessary to throw out every gender role that has ever existed. But it is absolutely necessary to look honestly at what those roles are made of — and who they actually serve.
What follows is my opinion. Take it or leave it.
You do not have to give your total life force to anyone — even if you are a woman. You can choose to give generously. But that choice should be yours, and not giving everything you have does not make you a bad person.
No woman should be made to feel — or feel within herself — that she has to trade away her integrity for anyone. Every woman gets to define where her own line is.
No woman should feel useless or incomplete because she does not have a man. That is a lie that has been told for centuries, and it has done enough damage.
Women do not hate other women. They lean on each other, love each other, and hold each other up. That truth gets buried a lot. It deserves to be said out loud.
Women enjoy sex. A woman can share that part of herself with whatever consenting adult she chooses. No explanation required.
No woman needs to apologize for standing up for what she believes is right.
No woman should be made to doubt her own mind, her own values, or her own sense of what is real.
A woman who lifts weights and builds her body to its natural peak is beautiful. So is a woman who does none of that. Beauty does not belong to one shape.
There are many more truths we could name as we rebuild the picture of who a womb-man is and what she is allowed to be. But if all of this feels like a lot, here is the one thing to take with you:
Every woman should put herself first.
What That Actually Looks Like
If you do not want a lot of children, do not have them. The planet does not need billions more people just because certain men in government are competing for the largest populations. That is something they want. It does not have to be something you want.
Work inside the home, outside the home, or both. That is your call to make.
Putting yourself first does not mean being lazy. It does not mean you stop caring about the people around you. It means you remember that you are the first person who deserves care because you’re you.
Submit where it makes sense — where it helps build something real and good. But do not lose yourself in the process. Your life is not a supporting role in someone else’s story.
It is yours. Live it that way. We’ll stop here…for now.
