I’m sitting here in front of my laptop, wondering what to say to you, but secure in the fact that there is something to be said. You see I write when I am hurting or happy — it is a coping mechanism, a mandate which has also turned into a tool for healing myself and others and I have become very secure in the fact that I don’t have to know what to say when I begin typing.
Why Would Anyone Want to Hurt Me?
You are a person that others can come to for help and understanding. The thing that you would never dream of doing to anyone was done to you and it does not make sense. Of all the whores in the world, why were you targeted. Stop. Wait. This is about me. Please excuse my mid-paragraph change from second to first person. What is it about me that someone would beat down the door to get into to my heart, just to tear it up? What good could come of this?
Hurt People Hurt People…..Period.
My ex-husband had a very charismatic smile. To this day, women find him hard to resist and he knows it, believe me he is well aware of it….LOL, except for his teeth are now falling out. I recall sitting with him during our dating period and listening to horrific stories of childhood abuse by his babysitter when he was as young as three years old, a mother who took drugs and chose abusive men over her children and a father who was not interested in being there. I decided (in usual Piscean fashion) that I would be the one that would be there for him and prove to him that not all people are that way. Little did I know what was in store for me, but there was and is a purpose for it all.
Initially I could not understand his passive aggression that he had perfected while living with a very strong-willed Leo mom. You see, he still felt himself the victim and he was very angry with women and not ready to let go of that anger. Each time he hurt me, he hurt her. Each time he hit me, he hit the babysitter. Each time he abandoned me, he was trying to get his father back for abandoning him. I was just the scapegoat….an unwilling, unhappy, scapegoat.
It’s Hot in the Oven!
Many of you have read my blog and you know I have a pretty big mouth (LOL) so there were a lot of times that I said what I thought and ended up using extra Revlon ColorStay foundation to cover up the black eye. As the new me was being sifted, shaken, stirred, poured on, and eventually baked, I sat there like Job in the dust wondering why all of this had happened to me when all I wanted was love and a family. I had sat down with this man before committing to him and told him clearly what I wanted in a relationship and had sincerely expressed to him that I was looking for something serious, but we did not go through premarital counseling and I did not have a psychology degree. A professional would have heard his story, asked how he had resolved it and would have warned me that this was not a healed person. Instead I chose to believe his words, see his smile and signed a contract. He was the hunter and I was a deer in the woods.
Soon after we were married, I noticed his lack of participation in our relationship. He had me just where he wanted me….up on a wall like a dart board above a fireplace mantlepiece, with my face morphing into everyone that had ever hurt him. I had no clue what was going on because they did not teach this in school and weird things started to happen.
The Transformation was Not Cute!
I began to swear and curse….something I had never done before in my life. I reacted to his actions, but not to his circumstances, which were about 42 years old and much deeper than me. His heart was stony and when I cried, he laughed because that was a dart through the heart of whichever enemy I was that day — and besides, no one had wiped his tears away as a child so who was I to be comforted.I honestly felt like he was jealous of me….jealous that I had a mother that loved me, jealous that my father had been there all my life, jealous that my sisters and brothers were gainfully employed…and even though none of us were perfect, the jealousy turned into hatred. The one that I thought would protect me and love me hated me more than anyone else in the world, which makes me, to this day, leery of marriage.I orchestrated a trip for him to meet up with his dad so that they could talk after having been estranged for over 25 years. We went to his dad’s home, but my ex turned into a little boy and could not get up the nerve to ask his dad the hard questions. It was a wasted trip.
In the meantime, I began to eat like a Shih Tzu because food was like a drug. It gave me something to look forward to, put me to sleep, and made me undesirable because I no longer wanted to be attractive to him due to an intense resentment. Then I shaved my head…..yep…..I shaved my head just like Job. The good thing about that was everyone else in the world was nice to me because they thought I had the ‘c’ word…and actually I did — him.I remember the nightmares, literal nightmares that I had about him running from me in a crowd as I chased him and called his name. I would awake crying and in distress because I thought he was supposed to be my husband, whatever the fuck that was. It was weird. I also recall nights in the basement, staring in the dark, alone in the oven. I couldn’t sleep in our room because I just couldn’t. The marriage was desecrated. My girlish beliefs were shattered. I had no where to go, no one to teach me and no heart to hold the lessons. There was a couch downstairs and it seemed to hug me when I slept on it. I’d remain there for months listening to meditation tapes to try to fix my mind, while I prayed for help and a thick presence would fill the room, complete me and lull me to sleep.
At the time, I did not know I was being recreated because it is a good possibility that if I had met a wonderful man like Mike Brady and had a loving family I would not have written my first song in 2008 because I would have been too busy baking pies for my sexy husband and planning Thanksgiving dinner with Alice. The day that I wrote the song “Free” I had finally realized this man had NO INTENTION of trying to make me happy because he was a mysogynist. I did not know what that word meant, but I knew there had to be a word for men who hate women and there it was – mysogyny.
I decided to give myself a birthday party one year and he knew it was very important to me so on the day of the party, he refused to come, just to try to hurt me — because his dad had not shown up to any of his birthday parties. It was like the thought of me being happy pissed him off (remember I represented all of the women he hated) so in a fit of anger, sadness, distrautness and hopelessness, I was like, I need to write a song….yeah I know, but this is what happened. I was soooooo pregnant (by my baby’s daddy, who’s name was Mr. Pain) that I went to the nearest Guitar Center, purchased a preamp, a mike, and ended up stumbling through Cakewalk software (not user friendly) and writing the following;
Sometimes I want to be free
of the pain surrounding me.
Free to laugh and to smile,
spreading love to every child.
Thinking of reasons to be sweet.
Smiling at the people that I meet.
Sharing with the ones who are in need.
I just want to be free.
It was a silly little song that you can listen to here (Free). I had no clue what I was doing, but the baby was crowning and that song was just a realization of my pain and a personal profession of my desire to be happy. I kept thinking we could fix it and I kept trying, which turned into “I Don’t Want Nobody Else” and then getting mad again, which came out as “Somebody Lied”. Before you know it, Mr. Pain’s baby was born and I had enough material for a friggin album, which my ex hated of course – LOL!!!!!
The realization sat in one day when I picked up his cell phone and read the text message, “Babe I’m home and I miss you.” That message was not from me. I think the thing that made me so mad was the fact that I had spent so many nights alone wondering what was wrong and why marriage had turned out to be lonelier than being single and then came the songs “Don’t Rain on My Parade” and “New Day”, which completed the album, as well as the books “The Mystic” and “Broken Heart”. By the way, he abandoned homegirl too.
The Chocolate Cake is Done!
Well guys, I’m not going to tell you that sometimes I don’t cry because sometimes one tear does still fall, but I no longer ball over this broken relationship. I think the tears still fall because it is sad that people can be so evil or that once you know that people are evil, it can rub off on you. Even if he crawled back to me on bloodied knees he could never get back in because, as Pink says, he was a tool, but I can tell you one thing: I have come up with a whole lot of ways to do what I am suppose to do in this Universe ON MY OWN because I do NOT need the Counsel of Elders, the Fates and any other sadistic groups sending any more shit my way to get me to do anything, which is the reason that I am writing this tonight.Some people may ask, “don’t you feel sorry for him? He needed help?” My answer is FUCK NO! There are many people who were abused who didn’t turn out like that.
I don’t know who needs this right now but most times pain is not personal. People hurt other when they’re angry at someone else. You are a timeless and eternal soul who will one day be too strong and bright to fit into a human body. Perhaps the sun in our solar system was once a broken woman who’s pain from abandonment, the loss of a child, the loss of a parent, etc., caused her to be consumed to the point where no one could get close to her. She soon learned that she had to leave her dead behind on the battlefield and help the living. Now her energy is a ball of fire, fueled by her experiences, and is the center of a solar system and that feeds and nurtures an entire planet, ours!
Make the best decisions that you can and seek professional advice when it is appropriate. When you feel an odd nudging to do something positive, just do it because you don’t know who it will help. My hope is that after listening to my music, books or blog posts that someone’s eyes will automatically dry from crying or that they will drum up the courage to seek help and stop hurting others because there is enough room out there for us all to have our own solar systems!